“I love having difficult conversations!”
Said no one. Ever.
The truth is that most people have struggled at some point with holding someone accountable and having those difficult conversations.
We feel uncomfortable with it. We worry we’ll hurt someone’s feelings or come across as too harsh…or not harsh enough.
Can you relate?
Are You Having Those Necessary Conversations?
Along with general accountability, we have another thing we don’t talk often about:
When a person naturally starts showing behaviors you want to see, you tell yourself “I don’t need to have this difficult conversation, they’re already addressing it on their own.”
This is a perfect opportunity to take that difficult conversation and transform it into a motivating conversation. Oftentimes, we let that golden opportunity slip through our fingers.
You might say:
“I notice these are amazing things that you are doing, and I want to see more of that.”
“I’m glad that you came to this, you’re acting on your own and I want to see more of that. How can I best support you in this?”
“I was noticing when you were faltering a little bit on these things, and you brought your awareness back without any help that I know of or any feedback from me. It’s awesome!”
Now you have a totally different conversation rather than the one where you sit down with someone and tell them what they’re doing wrong.
See Something, Say Something…
I have always subscribed to the thought process that when you see something, you say something. It’s timely.
If you are witnessing inconsistent behaviors, that’s where the curiosity comes in.
Consider saying: “Hey, I noticed you’re a little off today. Is there anything I can support you in?”
Instead of a negative comment like, “You did something wrong; I’m going to beat you up over it,” you comment to a person that their behavior seems a little off, while offering your support.
Start a simple conversation with an opening question like:
How is your day going?
Is there too much on your plate?
How can I support you?
This way, the other person knows that you’re not going to beat them up. You’re just having a chat.
Yet we put off commenting about behaviors because we think we’ll have a difficult conversation. And sometimes that person “magically” starts correcting that behavior on their own.
When this happens we tend to want to cross it off our list and hope we don’t have to address it anymore. Whew…it’s fixed, right?
Trouble is, it may not be.
A person may not know that their behavior was a challenge to begin with. They may have had bad days that you were seeing, or something at home changed, which allowed them to change how they were interacting with things. You really don’t know.
If you’re not laying a clear groundwork, you can see how easily a behavior can shift back, because the problem may not be solved. You may not even know what encouraged the behavior that changed it.
Putting a Difficult Conversation Off?
When you see behaviors that do not support the team of company’s goals, you sometimes tell yourself that it can wait till you have your one-on-one with the person, maybe weekly or monthly.
Two common things often happen:
You’re not going to have the conversation because it didn’t happen again.
You forgot about it.
Let’s say someone is late to work twice in one week. Next week they’re early. You probably won’t bring it up because it’s fixed already.
Or it could be when someone hasn’t turned in their work on time. And you address it every single time.
You say: “You’ve turned 5 projects in late.” You’ve addressed it on every single occasion, without having that conversation, “Hey, I’m noticing in your work, it’s not just this one time, there’s five other instances…”
You may put it off because you think you’re addressing it each time it happens. Then it becomes a bigger conversation.
What happens? Maybe they start turning in their work on time, and you don’t question it, you say “All my little conversations fixed it.” Yet they didn’t connect the dots – or rather, you didn’t connect the dots for them.
When you don’t take action, a person starts turning projects in on time and you never have the bigger conversation to explain their behaviors.
Accountability: How to Leverage the Golden Opportunity
It’s a golden opportunity when a person self-corrects on those bigger things, to come back and say:
“Hey, we’ve had several conversations on not turning projects in a time, and now you are, can I ask what changed? What is helping you be successful right now?
It changes the entire dynamic.
As a leader part of the job is holding people accountable to getting something done and it helps you build their confidence that they are doing the right things and reaching the job expectations.
When we take these opportunities to congratulate people and help them dive in to do better, they get a moment to hear how they’re doing well. They don’t experience the feared “Oh, no, my boss wants to talk to me to yell at/criticize/shame me.”
You’re changing the dynamic. When you take these opportunities to reach out on something positive, they’re going to look forward to your conversations instead of fearing that you’re going to criticize them.
5 Tips for Having a Meaningful Conversation
1. Stay out of judgment. Stay in a state of curiosity. We have a tendency when we congratulate or thank someone for something, to still bring a lot of judgment in there. And we don’t give specifics.
2. Be very clear on how you’re giving feedback. If you just say, “You’re doing a good job,” it’s pretty judgmental and it’s not telling them what they did.
Here’s an example. Say something like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed recently that you’ve been handing in your projects on time or ahead of time. I really appreciate this. It is supporting me and the team by freeing time up for because we don't feel the need to follow up and worry about what’s going on with you or the project. Thank you.”
Be very specific. Talk about “here’s what you did specifically that has changed.” Notice there is no mention of their late projects.
3. Show gratitude. A person wants to hear gratitude for what they’re providing and how they’re supporting the team. That acknowledgment is big, how they’re supporting you and the team. Say thank you and keep it up!
4. Timing is everything (cliché as it sounds): Choose an appropriate time and place to be truthful with someone, especially if you’re saying something upsetting. It can result in a more positive outcome for all involved.
5. Focus on facts, not popularity. At all costs, tell the truth. It doesn’t matter if it makes you unpopular. Be truthful so you can be respected and trusted as a leader.
Sometimes it's necessary to tell others how you feel. At the end of the day, you don't have control over how they’ll take it. If they recognize you're coming from an honest place, they'll accept and respect your candidness.
Always remember: Lead by example. It’s the best way to earn respect. It shows that you fully believe in what you profess. It allows others to see that you're genuine and trustworthy.
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