Last week we covered the basics of judgmental thinking and how it affects us as individuals and as leaders. If you missed that, I recommend you check it out before reading this article. You can read it here: Part 1.
This week we are tackling one of the most common judgmental thoughts – “I’m not enough.” Let’s start by looking at how we can address this thought in ourselves first, and then we will talk about how to support our team members that may be struggling with it. Understanding yourself and growing your self-awareness is the foundation all leaders need to harness to make them successful in helping their teams grow and become a cohesive unit.
How can you change the “I’m not enough” thoughts in yourself?
This thought can derail even the best of us because the more we say it to ourselves, the more it causes us to perceive things in a way that back that thought up. It can stem from both comparative and internalized criticism. Reframing this thought takes determination and a willingness to accept positive and negative feedback from others at face value, without looking through the lens of “I’m not enough.”
Understand where these negative thoughts come from and how to reframe them:
1. Why do you feel like you’re not enough? The first step is to get to the root of this thought.
When does this thought come up the most? How are you reacting to it? Are you accepting it or challenging it?
Examine your feelings and consider your past experiences and current environments at home and work. Why do you feel you’re never enough?
In many cases, the roots of this self-critical thought lie in the past. Dysfunctional families, difficult childhoods, traumas, illnesses, and unsupportive leadership can make you feel less worthy. Somewhere along the way, we buy into the idea that we are not enough and now hold it as a TRUTH.
2. Remember, it’s an internal message. Even if others are praising you and complimenting your life, you may still feel like you’re not enough. You may also diminish the praise and take it as pity or someone trying to make you feel better. Because it’s an internal thought, you are accepting as a hard fact that keeps you from trusting yourself and others.
3. Start to heal the past. Therapists share that not feeling like you’re enough may require healing the past.
If you’re having difficulty letting go of this self-criticism, counseling, therapy, or coaching may help you get past these thoughts.
Try journaling, meditation, or other contemplative activities to release the things that are holding you back.
Challenge your thought of not being enough to see if you are reliving past experiences. Are you expecting not to be enough, so you aren’t giving it your best?
4. Say, “I am good enough.” Each time this negative thought comes up, rephrase it to a thought that uplifts you and makes you feel like you are good enough, instead.
Remember that you’re unique, with your own particular combination of talents and characteristics, and worthy of love and happiness.
Change your message to you’re enough. You’re smart enough, strong enough, and good enough to do anything. You’re capable of great things and can accomplish what you desire.
Allow others to tell you the same. Seek out proof from yourself and others to support your new thought of being enough.
(If this part about giving yourself a positive message made you think this is corny, that too is a negative, damaging thought. Why wouldn’t we be okay with saying something kind to ourselves? And what would be different in our lives if we did?)
Once you realize that your past may be controlling your present, it becomes easier to reframe this self-critical thought.
How can you help your team conquer the “I’m not enough” thought pattern?
Coaching and developing your team is the cornerstone of every successful business. It means being in touch with what is going on emotionally with those around you. And will give you the ability to understand and take control of how you and your team are influencing each other.
1. Use delegation to build strength. When you delegate effectively, you are helping others hone their skills. Let me be clear here; this doesn’t mean you should give them your work and walk away. Delegate a task and schedule follow up and mentoring sessions as they complete the job. Listen for clues that they don’t feel confident to complete the task and help them build the confidence to do it.
2. Keep an eye out for employees that stick to themselves. A red flag that they don’t feel they are up to scratch with the rest of the team. A little encouragement and teambuilding may help them feel like they are up to snuff and allow them to come out of their shells.
3. Hold consistent feedback sessions. Yearly reviews are helpful. Monthly collaboration meetings are better. Holding one on one meetings with your team can help you guide them more consistently.
Listen to see if they own their accomplishments or if they downplay them. How well do they take your positive feedback? What is their reaction to constructive criticism? Do they struggle with seeing all of the tasks they are accomplishing?
Consistent feedback sessions not only build rapport, but they also allow you to head of challenges as they arise while they are small hills instead of mountains.
As you work through navigating your own judgmental thoughts, keep an eye out for how you are triggered. These can help you be more aware of what possible triggers your team is experiencing as well.
Next week in part 3, we will look at reframing the traditional judgmental thought all of us perfectionists out there – “I’ll never improve.”
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