So far, we have explored what judgmental thoughts are, how they affect our teams and ourselves, and how to tackle the notion of “I’m not enough.” If you missed those, I recommend you read them before you go on. You can access them here: Part 1 and Part 2.
When you’re stuck and haven’t reached the goals you are hoping to, it’s common to have the self-judgmental thought that you’ll never improve. You may think you’ll never get better and never get past a certain point.
However, the “I’ll never improve” thought is holding you back.
It can make you give up on your dreams and make you walk away from potential opportunities. For those perfectionists out there (me included), we like to tell ourselves that this thought (or a similar thought such as “I can/should do better” or “I have to improve”) will drive us to reach new heights. Until we realize that it makes us take longer to start and complete most things if we ever get started on them at all (why start something if we think we are going to fail at it right?)
Once we allow this thought to take hold, it begins to make life more difficult, and a lot less fun.
Let’s start with how to overcome this idea for you; then we will cover some tips for how to help your team conquer this thought.
Try these ideas to combat your thought of never improving:
1. Understand the learning process. You might think you’ll never get better at something while you’re still learning it. And this is natural because you are in the thick of it.
○ For example, when you’re learning a new skill, language, or even a computer system at work, it can be tempting to give up before finishing. The process can be stressful, time-consuming, and it is necessary to fail a few times until you get it.
○ However, it’s important not to stop before giving it all of your efforts. Continuing your learning process will provide you with proof that you do, indeed, learn and get better.
2. Remember, you’re not alone. It can be tempting to have moments of self-pity mixed with self-criticism and believe you’re the only person who struggles with something.
○ Keep in mind that some things, such as learning a new language or a CRM system, can be hard for many people.
○ Reach out to friends, family members, and peers for help, and you’ll see you’re not the first person to struggle. It’s a normal human feeling that everyone experiences at some point.
○ Reaching out will also give you social support to accomplish your goal. When you tell people in detail what you are trying to accomplish, you are setting yourself up for success because you will have social accountability.
3. Give it time. It’s important to give yourself enough time to strengthen your skills in the area or topic you’re working on, and not judge the process. (I know that sound so much easier than it feels!)
○ Pay attention to the little details and take notice of your progress.
○ Keep track of what you accomplished, not just what you didn’t. When we are in the frame of mind that we will never improve, we tend to only look at the supporting information for that.
4. Say, “I’m learning and getting better.” Reframe the self-critical talk by reminding yourself that you’re always learning.
○ Another way to fight the self-judgment is to say, “I’m am right where I am meant to be.”
○ You can also say, “I’m getting better all the time.”
○ Saying these new phrases will help you feel more optimistic about what you’re struggling to learn and also boost your self-esteem.
(Don’t forget the key point of these new thoughts – unlike the negative thinking, these are actually true)
You can also get rid of this self-critical thought by putting less pressure on yourself. You’re more likely to be critical of yourself when you expect too much, even if that expectation is unrealistic. Give yourself a break! Be patient with yourself, and feel good about learning something new!
Now let’s take a look at how “I’ll never improve” affects teams.
This thought can take hold of employees from a personal aspect or from how others are treating them, including how you are showing up as a leader. Morale and culture in a team stem from the leadership given and trickle down from there. Where you lead, they follow. Being an example of how to show up every day is the most effective way to create the culture and team you are working to build. It is effortless to fall prey to this thought in ourselves. It is just as easy to view our employees in this negative light as well. When we hold onto the belief that our employees will not improve, we begin acting on it. And it can show up by not giving tasks to someone because you think they will fail at it, or even giving them easy tasks and feeling you are being kind and helping them.
Try these ideas to help your team overcome the feeling of not improving:
1. Check-in with yourself. If you tend to put pressure on yourself to be the best all the time, you may be holding that expectation for those around you as well.
○ Do you find yourself getting frustrated easily with others, or saying that you don’t understand why someone didn’t complete such an easy task?
○ Is your team struggling to reach the goals that you are setting out for them?
○ You could be creating an environment that is contributing to less to getting done if it’s causing people to feel like they won’t get better because they aren’t reaching goals.
○ Each person is different and has a different way to learn and understand things. When you take time to meet your team where they are instead of where you think they should be, you will find it will lead them to feel supported, and you will see them exceed what you had hoped they would. Now, this doesn’t mean only give them tasks you know they will succeed with. Give them things that will challenge them without overwhelming them.
2. The team is afraid to try new things. Do you find when implementing changes, your team seems frustrated or even disappointed? It can be a sign of them feeling the actions that they take will not improve the things around them or that they will struggle with learning what is expected of them.
○ Are you hearing a lot of “why do we have to change” or “I didn’t even learn the last thing, and now we are doing something new” being muttered? Sometimes we roll out change too quickly, and employees feel what I like to call “change whiplash.” Though sometimes, it is that they are afraid to push themselves to learn the new thing because they are buying into the idea that they won’t improve.
○ Check-in with yourself. Are you feeling the same things that your team is about the change? Maybe you are showing it. I often hear leaders say something like, “Don’t worry, we will get through this” or “I know it’s frustrating, but we have to get it done.” On the surface, these sound supportive, but they are really just blow off statements we use because we don’t see the positive in the change either. Try focusing on why the change is necessary and what will be improved by it, not that the change will be quick or a minor inconvenience.
○ Take time to listen to your team and have honest conversations with them. Make sure to tell them when they did well and give thought out feedback when they don’t do so well.
Example: Don’t generalize – “You never complete your tasks” or “you didn’t complete your tasks again” may be accurate, yet it doesn’t tell them how to do better in the future. Try instead, “You didn’t complete the goal on time. Let’s take a look at what held you back and find some solutions together to overcome them next time.”
3. They tell you they can’t improve. As leaders, we often take this raw honesty as an excuse an employee is using so they don’t have to try harder. We are so sure an employee wouldn’t tell us such an honest statement out of fear of being fired for inability to do the job that there is NO WAY that they can be telling the truth. Guess what. They probably are telling you the truth, well what they believe is the truth anyway. (We know it’s just the judgemental thought coming into play.)
○ When we are already frustrated that something didn’t get done, it can be hard to listen to the why behind it. One of our many hats as a leader is to motivate our teams to do and be better. When they tell you that they don’t think they can improve, they are giving you a gift. They are taking the guesswork out of why they didn’t accomplish the task. And you can get right to helping them find a solution to overcoming their lack of confidence.
○ Give them smaller tasks to build them back up to take on harder challenges and champion them along the way. You will help them develop the skills to cheer themselves on and see what they are doing right instead of focusing on what they aren’t doing as well.
(Bonus Reframing - in the off chance some of you out there that have had the thought, “I am a leader, not a babysitter, they should be able to figure all this out themselves.” Let’s try reframing the view to, “As a leader, I work to help my employees be the best they can.” I, too, have had this thought before!)
Implementing achievable goals for yourself and your team accompanied by taking stock of what you accomplished instead of only focusing on what you didn’t get done correctly will significantly improve you and your team’s morale. Remember, we have been telling ourselves the same old story that we won’t be able to improve for a long time. Changing that mindset will take time, as well.
Part 4 next week is all about how negatively comparing ourselves to others can hold everyone on your team down, including yourself. The main thought we will be reframing is “XYZ person is better than me.”
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