Leaders, How to Approach the Conversation You’re Putting Off

Recently I had an engaging conversation with Chris Templeton, Founder of Oh The Stories We Tell. We chatted about a variety of leadership topics, focusing on challenging conversations…

You know, the ones many of us prefer to put off: maybe someone on your team shows up late three times in as many days…somebody drops the ball and misses a key deadline…or it seems like a “good” employee has gone “bad” suddenly.

I’ve got some highlights of our chat, where we covered simple solutions to make having those “difficult” conversations a whole lot easier. Find out how you can come from a place of confidence & curiosity to achieve better results.

Are You a Manager - Or A Leader?

Sometimes we tend to generalize and say that you're either a manager or you're a leader. I personally feel that when we're leading people, we wear a lot of hats. Whether you consider yourself a leader, a manager, or a little bit of both, Chris has a simple, powerful question for you to ask:

“Am I serving myself and the people that I'm working with?”

Think about a time when something annoying happened with one of your team members…maybe they showed up late several times, or they missed a deadline.

What’s your response? Do you roar, “What in the world were you thinking??” Or take a more personable approach, asking, “Dude, what is going on?”

About that first approach, Chris explains that it “doesn't serve me, because now I've got an employee who is unhappy to speak with me, who dreads it.”

And who does that serve? No one.

The Need for Authentic Leadership

When we can come from a place of authenticity, it enables us to look at both the “good” and the “bad” – and we can be more curious about the “why…”

“When I'm in that curious place, I'm authentic because I'm asking questions: Hey, bud, what's going on? You know, I noticed that you've been late five times in the last six days. What's up? Is everything okay? And as opposed to: ‘This cannot go on like this.’”

Interestingly, Chris has seen an increase in imposter syndrome, where someone says, “I just feel like a phony. I feel like a fake.”

What people don't realize, Chris explained, is that's just a story they're telling themselves- it’s just how we're wired.

He calls it the Protector, commonly known as the ego or inner critic. The Protector is great at finding the problems – when it comes to finding solutions…not so much.

It’s a natural part of how the human brain works, comparable to an overprotective parent that wants to keep you safe. “I think that it’s so important that people recognize that ‘I'm wired for it’…when we're in problem orientation mode, we’re wired to prove that we're right.”

The key is to recognize it, then to put things in perspective, take a step back. Its what people often refer to as “just let me get out of my head…”

How Do You Perceive Your Team Members?

Watch out for your own internal judgments that don’t serve you – or anyone else. For instance, do you mentally segregate people based on their age? It’s more common than you may realize. We may each have our own expectations of different generations, then we shape our preprogrammed (and often ineffective) response: “This is how I need to interact with this/that ‘type’ of person.”

This is a big disservice, Chris explained.

When we go into that set-in-stone, pre-conceived thought process, it doesn't allow each person to be who they really are. It limits them – and it limits our ability to lead.

A Leader’s Job Isn’t to Fix People

Many people think that leaders have to “fix” everything.

Our job is not to fix other people. It's not to fix challenges. It's to see the solutions and help other people act on it.

Chris pointed out that a true leader helps everyone they're managing to be their own leaders.

If he has cranky staff who are not serving themselves or anybody around them, he deflates the emotional balloon and gets back to that place of authenticity, where he’s curious and willing to look at the negativity around.

Chris had a policy whereby he told his staff if they want to get mad at another employee, come see him first. Why? To get all the air out of their balloon of frustration and have a curious conversation about why the anger is happening.

When he started doing that with people, it was a game changer. It kept out the toxicity and helped people to move into an authentic place more often. 

Want Productive Conversations? Stay Curious.

Stay in curiosity yourself, figure out what judgments you're making, even before you go into that conversation. It will make you much more capable of holding that space. These conversations get easier the more often you have them, even though we tend to avoid them.

Let’s get back to the employee who has been late five times in the past: Why did we need to have it happen five times before we addressed it?

That’s not serving anybody. When someone is late two times, you tell yourself you’ll talk to them at the end of the week - if it happens again. And then they don't show up late. You breathe a sigh of relief, believing the problem is fixed – really, is it fixed? Are you sure?

Now think about the other person: they probably don’t know that you were upset or that they were doing something wrong. How do you know that they actually solved the problem or connected the dots that they need to show up on time if you don't have that conversation?

Leaders, Look Out for “the Protector”

We often feel like we must build a solid case to even have the conversation in the first place. Putting it off or hoping that the problem magically vanishes causes us to miss a vital opportunity to correct the issue in a much gentler, happier, easier conversation.

Chris noted that it’s important to recognize that when you're resistant and don't want to face something, it’s that little hardwired part of you “the Protector” keeping you safe. Try these tips:

• Listen to what the important information is, know the facts.

• Then figure out how to let the air out of your own emotional balloon by being curious about it.

• Recognize that everyone is hardwired with this “Protector,” not just you.

We all think that this is only happening with us - and try to prove that we're right.

Appreciate that from a curious place - from an authentic place – in a workplace, there are many protectors trying to prove they're right. That’s not serving anybody.

We all have tough days. When we can recognize – appreciate, even – that this is how everybody's wired - we look at the situation from a curious place.

Envision yourself in this curious place, where you’re authentic. It can completely transform how you lead and manage people. It establishes the truth that really, everyone wants the same thing:  a productive, effective, and enjoyable place to work.

Want to hear more of the conversation? View the complete video here.

Ready for exciting new levels of leadership success? Sign up for your FREE Mental Fitness Resource Kit right on our website.

How To Help Your Brain Seek and Find A More Positive Outlook

We all know that today's world can be a bit cold. That's not to say that it's actively negative in any way. People live fast-paced lives and therefore do not always pay the attention they want to themselves or their friends. 

One of the easiest ways to keep ourselves happy and healthy is by striving to see more positivity in our daily lives. 

Self-encouragement is a considerable part of one's character building and progressing in a competitive world. 

It helps to realize your goals and stay on the right track to achieve them. It's also connected with creativity, learning, and much-deserved rest. 

Here we aim to give you some ideas on using that to your advantage. 

Positive Questions and Why They Are Important

When you think about it, asking questions is extremely important - even as kids, this is one of the first things we learn. 

And later in life, we often judge how much one has understood from a particular subject based on their questions. 

Figuring out what you want to ask means you know what you need help with, so you can receive more specific advice. 

Answering questions is just as valuable as it helps you create awareness, as well as helping you focus on the details you find interesting. 

 Integrating attention to both the question and the reason behind it will set you up for more lasting success.

● What good thing happened to me today?

Small things often go unnoticed in a fast-paced environment causing us to miss out on moments of positivity. 

A compliment from a stranger or the way your coffee tastes just right today are really nothing special, yet they help you realize that the world can be a kind place and that there's often something you can appreciate. This question enables you to focus on these small things you have no control over yet are lovely nonetheless.

● What good thing was I responsible for today?

This works in favor of the idea "Give what you want to receive." Being a kind person to others makes you happier too, and it helps you create more win/win experiences. 

The kinder people are to the others, the kinder the world is as a whole. So you can use this question as a motivation to do one generous, sweet or thoughtful thing for another human being each day.

● What and who am I grateful for?

 This question allows you to focus on more significant aspects of your life. The ability to live in a place you enjoy and/or to have close friends is incredible when you think about how big the world is. 

On a cosmic scale, it's even more incredible - millions and millions of years, and we can survive through doing what we love and have excellent connections regardless of distance. 

If that's not something to be grateful for, I don't know what is! When answering this question, try looking at the world as a whole and why you are lucky to live exactly now and exactly here. 

● Why do I want to achieve what I've set out to do, and where can I find a source of motivation?

Here, the focus is your reasons for doing something - why you enjoy the work you do and how it makes you a better person. 

Knowing why your goals bring you happiness helps you be persistent on your way to achieving them. 

Also, suppose you continue asking yourself where you can find motivation or inspiration. In that case, the chances of eventually having more than one source are more prominent, allowing you never to be dependent solely on one thing.

● How can I learn from the mistakes I've made?

Turning a negative into a positive is very important when changing your perspective. If you feel down, it's easy to focus on your mistakes. However, realizing that you can learn from each one assist in not beating yourself up too much. 

Some people even go as far as to try and make some mistakes when learning something new, just to understand it better. Even if you don't get to this point, it would still help tremendously not to worry about messing up because we all make mistakes after all.

● What are some values that I want to work on?

Building your character and striving to be a better person will help you make progress in life, and for that, you need to know what drives you. 

Values, and what you feel makes up those values, evolve with you. As you have new experiences, you learn and grow, and your perceptions of yourself and the world around you change. Yet the progress you've made remains. 

This question helps you find out which direction you want to take yourself based on the values you hold. 

By answering it, you both acknowledge the work you've already done and where you want to put in even more effort. 

● Am I holding on to something I don't want to, and why?

This is a very specific question because many people tend to carry more regret and fear than they are aware of. 

Feeling guilty for past events or being close to toxic people all fall in this category, and it's important to acknowledge it so that you can grow past it. 

This is just the first step in a very long journey, yet it's the crucial one everyone can start with because things like these hold you back and stop your progress, and it is our choice whether or not to give them that power.

● What is something I look forward to?

Here you can look at everything you want, big or small. Ranging from something like an upcoming event (going to your favorite coffee shop or a concert you've been waiting for) or a rite of passage in your life (moving to a different country or expanding your hobby). The more stuff you have to look forward to, the better your future outlook is. 

● What do I cherish in the people I love, and what can I learn from them? 

Here the focus is both towards the outside world and the one within. Answering why you love someone is vital in creating a good relationship. It clarifies many questions you can have in your head about you and them. 

Also, the people you love can be a tremendous inspiration! 

Here you can focus on both aspects, realizing why the people around you are unique and how they can inspire you to be better. 

● What qualities do I have that I love or am proud of?

This question is fundamental - recognizing your inner value helps tremendously in keeping a positive view of yourself. It's much harder for a positive thing to grow out of a negative environment, and asking yourself what you love about yourself helps you give yourself that positive environment. 

You can start big or small. You can answer about a different quality every day in detail or all of them simultaneously. Though make sure you ask yourself this question often, especially if you don't have a high opinion of yourself so you can begin building it. 

Progress can only happen if it's been allowed to and loving yourself is essential in allowing yourself to be better.

Where to go from here 

By answering these questions weekly or daily, you are sure to get to know yourself more and realize what makes you truly happy. 

Changing a bad mood isn't always easy. Yet, the world around you and the one inside are excellent sources of inspiration. 

Having a clear perspective, progressing, and being grateful are essential to one's growth and inner peace. 

With these questions, we aim to remind you that you and everything around you are incredible and that although change can be scary, everyone is strong enough to overcome that fear to be happier and make the world a better place. 

Want some support using pattern recognition to help you take forward-focused action? Join us on our next Mental Fitness Intensive and learn how your current patterns are causing you to self-sabotage.

Learn more here: www.desiredeffectscoaching.com/workshops

A Pattern Seeking Brain - Make It Work In Your Favor: Tips on How to Use One of Your Brain's Biggest Qualities For Your Benefit

Did you know that we are pattern seeking machines? It's one of the functions of our brain that we use the most and we don't even realize it. 

In today's fast-changing environment the ability to make quick subconscious connections based on previous experiences is very useful. 

Here we will explain what pattern seeking actually means in regard to our thought process and how we can use it to our advantage.

What Is Pattern Recognition?

Let's start from the beginning - the term apophenia. The word itself means the search of connections of seemingly unrelated subjects - from finding faces in different items to having lucky numbers in a game of roulette. 

However, if we get more complex a different example can be how our brains process information regarding complicated situations based on past experiences (think of the way master chess players develop strategies). 

This is the type of superior pattern processing (SPP) a lot of scientists argue has made our species so advanced - we most likely owe our ability to understand language, have such vivid imagination and think of inventions to SPP. 

We won’t get into medical terms, yet the most basic explanation is that the way our neurons are connected and how those connections are made and strengthened through time is what’s behind our complex way of thinking. 

This is the foundation of all research connected to pattern seeking in our brains. Granted that this process is so important, bettering it in our daily lives must have a big impact. 

How To Use Pattern Seeking To Our Advantage?

Well, we already subconsciously do. With each recurring action we take we teach our brain how the action itself is connected to the effect. 

Therefore, the more we reinforce our actions with explanations, the better our brain will find motivation to do them again. 

●      Pattern Seeking and Happiness

For instance, try each time something makes you happy, big or small, to pause and explain to yourself how you got here. 

If you pay a compliment to a stranger and see them smile, remind yourself that you enjoy seeing other people’s happiness, therefore your own is connected to that of others. 

After you have that as an assured connection due to pattern seeking, you’ll end up both doing such acts of kindness more often AND finding more enjoyment in them. 

A different idea is each time you tell a memory, try to remind yourself of how and why surrounding memories made you feel happy. If you’re telling a sad memory for example, try to remind yourself about a time or a place close to the event that was positive to you in some way - this is how you can actively teaching your brain that all bad comes with good, thus creating a more positive outlook on life in general. 

These actions might seem small, and they take some time to work, yet once your brain has internalized them and made them into habits, it gets much easier. 

You may have heard of Donald Hebb’s saying “neurons that fire together, wire together” - if the type of connection between the neurons is to seek a positive idea each time, a better, more positive way of thinking will be reinforced. 

●      Pattern Seeking and Learning 

The other big reason why pattern seeking is useful is because it’s the easiest way to learn. 

Using something our brains do effortlessly to remember new information is a smart technique. The way this method can be incorporated into studying is simple - if you have a given rule, try to gather the evidence supporting it yourself. 

Think of it like figuring out yourself the Pythagorean theorem by mapping it all out - that way you remember the pattern itself and not just the numbers. 

And this doesn’t work just for math, anything you learn from your own experience, finding it and proving it more than once in your active life (searching for a pattern to add to the list of proof) is much easier to remember, because it’s a much more vivid story that your brain can archive.  

A different technique is to make connections between your own field of study and something which you already know - for instance explaining the way black holes work with a ball and a piece of fabric.

Technically patterns are everywhere, so explaining them with something not as abstract and finding out why they are similar helps you learn the more complex and not tangible theories. Pattern seeking is a natural benefit we have so using it to expand our knowledge is extremely easy once you know its benefits. 

Pattern recognition has been embedded in our brains as a way of survival ever since we started evolving as a separate species. 

This means that, looking at the present, we have had enough time to perfect it as a process and to build on top of it. 

The more we use patterns to better our learning, to ask more questions and to improve our outlook on life the easier it gets. 

So, with that in mind, give these ideas a try and see how far you can go! 

Want some support using pattern recognition to help you take forward-focused action? Join us on our next Mental Fitness Intensive and learn how your current patterns are causing you to self-sabotage.

Learn more here: www.desiredeffectscoaching.com/workshops